entries.
A small hope...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Looking back... I do wonder if I was supposed to learn how to deal with all of this shit that has been going on. That God somehow has bigger plans for me. Telling me that I am going to get better.... I wish for that everyday
I'm crying while writing this post, honestly I don't feel bad for crying, for being weak. Mom says that it's not good for girls to cry. WHY IS IT WRONG?! Crying helps me forget the pain somehow... it's like washing away everything that is wrong.
I honestly wear his clothes, when no one is at home. Hoping that maybe he'd love me more each day. I wonder if I left a memory in anyone's heart
Writing a blog each day makes me feel like I do have a "secret place" where no one can harm me. That's stupid isn't it.
Everyone here, are ignoring me. Hoping that I wasn't their sister. Telling me off. Telling everyone that I don't belong in this family.... Maybe I don't.... I have everything that I have ever wanted. Money. A house. Parents. Brothers. Family. But what I always wanted was love from a family. I only wanted that....
I always wanted someone to hold my hand in the dark. Someone who would find me, no matter where I was. I'm so tired... Of waking up everyday hoping for that kind of love. Maybe it doesn't exist for me. I love you. I really do. I'm just so sad that... You never knew that.
I talk in my sleep, because I know it's the only one place where no one can hear me. I am praying that all these wounds will heal one day. That I would grow up and having someone to love me the same way as I loved them. I ran away from home countless times... And every time I do runaway. I find something new. Something that could change me.... I get jealous. When I see little girls and their fathers eating ice-cream.... Small girls playing with their brothers... A mother and daughter in a saloon getting their nails or hair done. I don't want to feel that way anymore... I can't cry anymore... I'm running out of tears...
I'm not here to rant about how I feel. I just need a place. To let my demons roam free... I can't keep it all inside me...
you promised to hold my hands... Why did you let them go?Labels: confessions, depression, family, sadness
kimi. @ [Tuesday, June 22, 2010]
