entries.
Brick by Brick
Monday, August 2, 2010
I'm trying so hard nowadays to smile. Not for myself. Not for everyone. But for him. I know there are shit going through in his life. I really do know... I'm not going to write some sappy love story right now... I'm just so angry. so so angry at myself. For never being there for him, the one I love most. Never being able to do anything for him...
Sometimes I ask God everyday.. Why am I so far away from him. Why must I be away from him? Why must love hurt so much? Why... Honestly someone give me a freaking clue! WHY?!
I know I haven't been there for him... Never held him when he was about to cry. Kiss him and tell him everything will be okay. Or even gave him words to make him live through the day... I suck so badly now... It's my fault...
Every single night, I do wake up with panic attacks. Thinking about killing myself, ending it all. Just for that moment... But then I re-read those texts... And it keeps me going... Living everyday... Knowing that someday. At the end of that hard, rocky road... He is going to be there. Waiting for me... With that big eyes, and that lip mole. But most of all... I'd get to hold him and I wouldn't and can't even find a reason to let go... And no one can tell me that life is bad... When just being with him... Makes life feel so so good...
Right now I'm just getting things of my chest... I know it's hard for you. It's hard for me too. Watching every couple pass me by. I wish that was us. I really do... But this pain right now that I'm feeling... It's worth the wait... It's worth the pain... I am going to trust those words... And believe that God is testing me, to see if my love is strong enough... To wait for you...
I know I may not be the best person you ever wanted... But I'm going to try... With or without the distance... I love you...
kimi. @ [Monday, August 02, 2010]
