entries.
The Truth
Monday, March 19, 2012
Today... doesn't matter anymore. Not to me. I've lost you.
I've managed to hid the truth about your death. I lied. You called me last night and you told me that you didn't want to live. I knew how you felt... and at the same time, I wanted you to free yourself from all of your pain. Only I knew what was in your mind. All those drugs and alcohol couldn't take away your pain.
Your parents. Friends. Family.
They couldn't stop you.
You were
just like me.
What hurts was not being able to stop you but what hurts more than anything right now, is the fact that you left me. You promised to stay, stay and fight this with me.
I've never blogged in such a long time. Probably the only reason I came back here was because I feel like my voice has been suffocated. I couldn't tell people what was really wrong, why were there scars in places where no hands could reach. I couldn't tell people why I was hiding away, why I was always alone.
You asked me once, during a warm afternoon when you came over to play some games. You asked me what was the meaning of "
Truth". I couldn't really put my finger on what you were really asking. I couldn't really tell you what it was, because at that moment I had those scars all over me, revealing my past, present and possible future.
You never did ask me again what it was, you said that you'd find it yourself. And you did.
You called me last night... and told me what was the meaning of Truth.
"There was no truth in the beginning, between me and the world. There was only the truth about lies and the lies about truth" that's what you said. But I knew you were quoting the Liar Paradox. It also made perfect sense. To me.
Now... after you're gone. I finally know... what you wanted to hear. The lies that everyone has been feeding you, you kept them safe because you'd rather hear those lies. You'd rather be fed anything but the truth. But you needed the truth. I did the same. I was no better than them, I fed you lies. I told you that you were going to be okay.
You told me that I was going to be okay too.
So my dear, here is my truth for you.
"The free speech of humans is a tainted luxury; there are those who use their words for good, and those that only wish to use speech to hurt. To poison. To kill. Humanity has been given the privilege of impecible morality, and yet we abuse that privilege with deceit, slander and heartache. Is a lie really an exit? Or does it open up to create new pain in the end, like a morning glory opens to sunshine? The beat of truth lives on in the words of a poet, and punishes the wicked. That is truth."
Like you, one day I shall fade. Maybe in the same way as you did.
And I won't have any regrets, because just like you I would find my truth just like you found yours.
And when that time comes, I hope everyone can see why I did what I did. I'm not running away. No. But one day you will see my logic crystal clear. Death is inevitable, only delayed.
And to anyone who reads this, especially Jega, you of all people right now know why I need to fade away. But to you, the person who can't see my logic, you will one day understand. Maybe not right now.
You may be older than me, but in truth... you've never seen the world like I did. You only saw it trough rose colored glasses. And I will never tell you the truth. My truth.
And to you, I bid you farewell and may you rest in peace.
kimi. @ [Monday, March 19, 2012]
