I walk a lonely road that is filled with torment and decay that suffocates the living to its existance that means nil. Memories filled in dark corners and misty corridors. Welcome to a world that is denounced of its purity.
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entries.
Departure
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sights and sounds and places that I have seen have drawn a scar upon my memory.
Home isn't a place of awe to me, it can be seen as sheer misery.
Rundown motels, hotels that stand high enough to touch the tips of the horizon are my places of comfort. A familiar receptionist, the pool cleaner, the lady who does my laundry right down the the gardener. Those faces that I've come to recognize seems like they are made of porcelain, so paper thin, as if it could be lost at any moment, but keeping it for just a single moment, tingles to the very bone.
I've decided to play that part of a runaway child. This isn't my first attempt of getting lost and then being found. Oh how the years have multiplied. Faces that I see on a not so everyday basis, people that don't know my name or age, somehow keep me comfortable and steady.
The morning train rush to the south border, the slippery footsteps of pariah's that drag in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes even the loud shrieks of heavily drunk temporary neighbors keep me company, more than any family or friend every has.
When I actually look at myself in the mirror, filled with washed up paint, I can actually see the scars that I have carried over the years. Scars that made me feel imperfect. A tattoo upon my shoulder of a triangle and an eye that was labeled on me since I was old enough to get one. Meetings in dark corners of empty alleyways and conversations that were hushed, protected me from a world that I turned a blind eye to.
Home is a place now forgotten in my memory of other things. Friendship and trust are things that I don't believe in anymore. It wasn't the cause of mere people that I saw everyday that caused such pain, it was the cause of a single man. A single conversation that changed my life forever.
If you never left, would my life be any different? I guess wondering about the past doesn't matter anymore.
I've decided to leave. The hotels that I used to stay in, will be nothing but empty memories. I don't know where I am heading after my first stop. Nobody knows about my plan of living a solitary life. Probably only the sad sobs reading this. I do not want to be found this time. I do not want to come back home this time. I want to disappear for good. I don't want to be me.
kimi. @ [Saturday, April 21, 2012]
Trust
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Words are like poison. Poison that runs through many veins. It can be twisted, just like most dreams.
Words can be changed and fed into the minds of many. Taking a form, consuming the thoughts of many people. A single thought can form an idea. A suicidal thought can become visible in the minds of many. In my own mind.
Trust is like a verbal agreement. A place where you think the world you once know will never depart.
Sadly, the trust that I believed in had departed.
I've lost myself in between the bickering and the chattering mouths of many people. My parents had no clue, that I had already fallen into a phase so deep, where nothing seems real anymore. I've cut down many branches, and truthfully the tree that I've built over the years has lost all of its leaves, it won't bear any fruit. it won't grow anymore. No one can change how I am anymore.
I've decided to give up on everything. Who knew that you'd be the one who'd put me underground at 19.
Daddy won't come home anymore. He called me and said that he doesn't want to live here anymore. Mommy decided to leave this house. Today, she dropped me off at home and left. I don't even know where she is. I don't even know where daddy is either.
Prince is dying. My brother is never at home. I have lost all those friends, that I used to call "home". I truthfully have no one. The only thing that puts me at ease, is cutting. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid that if I cut this time, I might not stop. I know I won't stop.
I don't expect anyone to understand. I don't expect anyone to listen to my sob story. I'm probably very self absorbed.
I'm sorry... I said that I wouldn't do it again. But I'm afraid this would be the end of everything. The end of me.
This is the price of my freedom. Sorry Evonne, Yat, Joyce and Mommy.
kimi. @ [Thursday, April 19, 2012]
The Truth
Monday, March 19, 2012
Today... doesn't matter anymore. Not to me. I've lost you.
I've managed to hid the truth about your death. I lied. You called me last night and you told me that you didn't want to live. I knew how you felt... and at the same time, I wanted you to free yourself from all of your pain. Only I knew what was in your mind. All those drugs and alcohol couldn't take away your pain.
Your parents. Friends. Family. They couldn't stop you.
You were just like me.
What hurts was not being able to stop you but what hurts more than anything right now, is the fact that you left me. You promised to stay, stay and fight this with me.
I've never blogged in such a long time. Probably the only reason I came back here was because I feel like my voice has been suffocated. I couldn't tell people what was really wrong, why were there scars in places where no hands could reach. I couldn't tell people why I was hiding away, why I was always alone.
You asked me once, during a warm afternoon when you came over to play some games. You asked me what was the meaning of "Truth". I couldn't really put my finger on what you were really asking. I couldn't really tell you what it was, because at that moment I had those scars all over me, revealing my past, present and possible future.
You never did ask me again what it was, you said that you'd find it yourself. And you did.
You called me last night... and told me what was the meaning of Truth.
"There was no truth in the beginning, between me and the world. There was only the truth about lies and the lies about truth" that's what you said. But I knew you were quoting the Liar Paradox. It also made perfect sense. To me.
Now... after you're gone. I finally know... what you wanted to hear. The lies that everyone has been feeding you, you kept them safe because you'd rather hear those lies. You'd rather be fed anything but the truth. But you needed the truth. I did the same. I was no better than them, I fed you lies. I told you that you were going to be okay.
You told me that I was going to be okay too.
So my dear, here is my truth for you.
"The free speech of humans is a tainted luxury; there are those who use their words for good, and those that only wish to use speech to hurt. To poison. To kill. Humanity has been given the privilege of impecible morality, and yet we abuse that privilege with deceit, slander and heartache. Is a lie really an exit? Or does it open up to create new pain in the end, like a morning glory opens to sunshine? The beat of truth lives on in the words of a poet, and punishes the wicked. That is truth."
Like you, one day I shall fade. Maybe in the same way as you did.
And I won't have any regrets, because just like you I would find my truth just like you found yours. And when that time comes, I hope everyone can see why I did what I did. I'm not running away. No. But one day you will see my logic crystal clear. Death is inevitable, only delayed.
And to anyone who reads this, especially Jega, you of all people right now know why I need to fade away. But to you, the person who can't see my logic, you will one day understand. Maybe not right now.
You may be older than me, but in truth... you've never seen the world like I did. You only saw it trough rose colored glasses. And I will never tell you the truth. My truth.
And to you, I bid you farewell and may you rest in peace.
kimi. @ [Monday, March 19, 2012]
My Lonley Stranger
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
It's been raining heavier than usual and the thunder and lightning has been playing my mood. Slowly like a mellow symphony. Nothing is more painful that hatred, hatred for someone whom you have loved long ago.
I wish I could tell what is on your mind, what you're thinking about when I catch you staring at me. But needless to say, you never did love me like you said you did. All those empty promises and dreams that we made, weren't real. You just felt like it was proper and just to make believe every situation we ever had.
You wanted to feel something. You wanted to feel accepted. You wanted to feel like you needed self pity. You wanted someone to give you all of that, but instead of finding closure, you found me. You picked this one person out of the world's 7 million population to corrupt. And you corrupted me like a plague that ran the world and poisoned it slowly.
I had such a hard extirior, but my interior was messed up. I forced myself to act that way. Trust no one, love no one. You were just like me. You were going through the same things as me. Especially your dad. I trusted you. I knew what it was like to be abandoned. To feel like you needed that father figure around your life.
And beleive me, you were so different from the rest until I realized that everything you did, everything you said and lied about was fake.
And the worst part is that, you blammed it on me. You never felt guilty about what we went through. I broke and tore my walls down for you, because of all the people that I ever knew, I felt like I could trust you. You were like family to me. But right now, we're just strangers.
And no one has ever killed me as much as you did.
kimi. @ [Tuesday, November 22, 2011]
Imperfect Thoughts.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Have you ever wondered your life's worth? A place that you could fit in, without feeling out of place?
I've always wondered what life would be if neither one of them existed. Neither one of those people who made my day brighter. Everyday, I would dread to go to that place that has lost its meaning of happiness... But now I feel a sort of emotion that I never did have... or probably lost a very very long time ago.
I read a paragraph in Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. The part of where Naoko told Toru to never forget her, made me flinched. The concept of forgetting somoene is truly inevitable. But the longer you try to hold on to a memory, it will eat you up slowly. Like how I tried so hard to keep all those memories that had lost its meaning.
You could remember them so vividly one day, like a bright summer morning... Like the Sun. But when the Sun fades away, memories will soon turn into darkness. And in every darkness there is a lost soul lingering to be remembered. That would.... me.
"The more memories of Naoko inside me fade, the more deeply I am able to undestand her. I know, too, why she asked me not to forget her. She knew that my meories of her would fade. Which is precisely why she begged me never to forget her, to remember that she had existed."
This thought makes me feel unbearable. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting. For who I am.
You see, the concept of life differs from people. I'm sure as hell that I haven't experience a lot of pain in my life like most people. I'm sure that I don't have it as rough as lots of people in my life. But one thing I am sure of is that every piece of pain, every piece of memory left in me would soon turn into dust.
If I were to ever close my eyes and stepped into that "me", in that long-ago darkness. I would hear the wind with such clarity, an unusual clarity. A light breeze that would swiftly pass me, leaving strangely brilliant trails in the dark. And when I opened my eyes, I would find the darkness of that summer night a few degrees deeper than it had been.
I'm no longer as bright as the sun. I'm an imperfect vessel with imperfect thoughts. Deeper, darker and colder than I used to be. Nothing has changed. Not the people, not even my surroundings. The only thing that has changed... is me.
I want to be alone. In my own imperfect world.
kimi. @ [Saturday, November 19, 2011]
幸せをありがとう
Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Looking at the moon now, reminds me of when we stayed up all night just to watch it together. You were upset that night. Remember? You told me that you didn't want to go home."
That sentence lingers in my head. Every single night. I remember.... I didn't want to go home and face reality alone. For that moment, it felt like you were my reality.
バラバラになった糸を束ねて. わたしの礎を描く. 小さな拳をかまえて 明日を睨んだ.
Can you hear me? Even for a little while. I want you to listen to what I have to say.
All those trivial things we fought about. All those things we decided not to say, lingers on my tongue. Sometimes I wonder if there is a point in wishing you were here right now. Cigaratte ashes lay on that asphalt road that we were sitting on.
Smoking and laughing about all the horrible things in life. But the only thing that kept us moving together was the moonlight that fell directly on your fingers that were clapsed together. Gently.
Now when we see each other on the streets, hallways, the empty staircases. We don't even speak a word. We just breathe the same air hoping that we can figure out how we got so far.
Honestly... I don't know either. It's not a dream... and it isn't a lie. But your gentleness that made me feel more human each day.
目を覚ませば夢だと. 笑えたらいいのに. キミがいない世界は. モノクロに見えるよ.
I miss you, I can’t stop the tears. Remembering that gentle voice, that spoke to me over the phone... Do you remember your promise? That you’d always be by my side?
With honest eyes, You laughed like the sun. I feel you everywhere I go... Thank you. I'll never forget you. I'm sorry I wasn't honest enough to keep you beside me.幸せをありがとう.
kimi. @ [Thursday, November 10, 2011]
What we make believe.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Have you ever wondered if there was a difference between reality and your eternal dreams? I've had the pleasure of waking up no a never ending nightmare. Everyday.
I thought I had found my safe haven or somewhat of a euphoria when I met him. Let's call him... Mr. A. You see Mr. A was very fond of women, I knew that from the start when I met him. But with all due respect he was a very charitable person. A charitable penis that is.
Yes, he was a good friend. Undeniable truth. With his lavish sense of maturiy and humour he was a very good friend indeed. He was always there for me when I needed him. Late night rendezvous and phone calls. It was moments I lived with him which was temporary. I knew that fact. It was just a temporary escapism that I made myself believe. But all that happiness ended, when I saw that inhumane part of him. Which was built or part of a personality every human has.
His lack of emotion scared me a little. But the twist of this entire "love" story is that both of never did feel any common emotion for each other. I loved him as a person. And he was in it for the pleasure of having another number in his life.
I was that number he thought he could break so easily.
But honestly under all that skin of he potrays himself to be. There was a human. A human that I loved so deeply. He had a smile that was filled with troubles and lies he tries to hide. A face that wears a mask made by me and him. Together we made a memory we knew we could never forget. We built a place that only both of us could understand. He was a person who was honest with me every step of the way. And that honesty was the only reason I broke.
In the end, this world that we make believe was filled with lies. Our own lies that we ignored. And all good things came to an end. Both of us... came to an end.
"I'll disappear, cause' living makes me feel ashamed."- The Bravery
kimi. @ [Tuesday, November 08, 2011]
A short little message?
Hey ho~
I figured since I can't write whatever I think about anyone or myself on twitter or facebook. I figured that I go back to blogging, since it's the only place which my "friends" or other dumb retards can't get to.
Secondly... there is no secondly. Tee hee.
kimi. @ [Tuesday, November 08, 2011]
Trust me?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Okay. It has been proven, my mood is horrible. I've been listening to angry, emo music.
I don't really know what to write down... How to explain what I feel. Maybe I just... feel very very empty.
You cloud your words and shade them away. You took everything and you don't care about it.
I feel very abstract. And I can't even read myself, even if I looked in the mirror, I keep wondering who that person is. Minutes feel like hours, and hours turn to days, and days feels like weeks... I just can't feel you with me right now. Right now... I feel like just another person in your life. Who didn't change anything. You keep telling me think whatever I want...
I'm going to do just that.
Joyce said, whatever happens, it's God's way of telling you it's time to change. But what if I am not ready for change? Not ready to move on. Yes, I have been in longer relationships, but nothing like this...
I've never felt a touch of warmness before, a single kiss that could make me falter. I feel that way... But right now... you're pushing me further and further away... Deeper... into the cold water... And what's left of me?
It is as if... the part... that made me love you is dead... I guess... that part is asleep... I guess you want me... to fall asleep... And not feel anything when I am with you
I'm holding a small thread of me... of our love... And I am not letting go... Should I?
I don't want to waste another moment, saying things that we were never meant to say...
If you just breathe... for a moment... you'll realize that everything is alright. Trust me?
I wonder if you realize, that I've been here. Waiting. I could've been with any other guy... or girl. But I'd pick you over and over again. They always say 60% of LDR never works... What if... we are that 40%? That tried to make everything work....
Just breathe...
"I'm trying to find that feeling of warmness when i talk to you, but i cant seem to find it. . ." quoted from... you...
kimi. @ [Tuesday, October 26, 2010]
17 years...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I was kinda in an emo frenzy the other day. I was... so so... sad. So I kinda decided to go back to writing poems (Due to the fact, my best guy friend Vicky asked for some) This one is for you too Vicky and the rest of the world~ . I know how you feel.
17 years
Did I seem alive to you?
When I walk up those stairs, did you even notice me?
When I smiled, could you see right through,
Those cracks, that were caused by misery?
Why Do I seem, like I'm living a life not meant for me?
Why does it hurt when I try to smile so differently?
Why won't the rain stop falling down?
Does it want to wash away all those happiness I have found?
17 years of your abuse,
Even if I tried screaming, there would be no use.
For 17 years I've cried myself to sleep,
Dreaming of things that I wish I could be...
I'm sorry that I was not good enough,
Honestly, I'm not sorry at all for what I've become.
Screaming and crying alone made me tough,
I survived through everything you've done.
Broken promises? I'm used to it,
All those lies that tormented my heart.
But I'll still laugh because all those candles are lit,
And I can thread upon this world and I know I'll never walk alone in the dark.
After 17 years, I've realized,
Of all the things I've been denied.
All those love, respect and kindness any child would want,
Maybe it wasn't you who was supposed to give that kind of love from the start.
As I start writing down this last sentence,
I wonder if my existence made any significance.
Maybe not to you, not to them,
But right now, I'm happy at where I stand.
I kinda wrote this on a lonely, rainy night... And yes... I do feel that way. So I wrote this for all those people who feel so effed up and can't find a reason to live. Well... Live for yourself... Don't live for the world. Be happy for this moment.
kimi. @ [Sunday, August 29, 2010]
Back to the corner of memories...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I remember having so much to blog about. But now that my fingers are on this keyboard... I just can't say or write anything. My entire head... Is blank...
Well I do have something now. These past few days have been crazy! I mean absolute madness! I swear I was losing my head! I shouted at my best friend, Cuz of my epic mood swing. I am so sorry... I love you okay. It's just bad things came crashing down all at one time
Secondly, I had this big fight with my mom. She just doesn't get it does she? I come back home everyday. I barely go out. My life revolves around keeping this household into a stable condition. And she blames me for going out ALL THE TIME! only on FRIDAYS! I can't deny God and my cell meetings. Even If you don't get it, I don't care! I do try my best to be everything you ever needed... So stop finding fault in me... And daddy... Stop making me feel useless? I want to do Digital Animation.. Stop making me do things that you love. My happiness means more right now. I'm sorry if I sound selfish. But it's my future right now. Not yours... You are going to leave me. But I'd still be standing here with him... Get it?
Thirdly, Evey and I texted so much yesterday. Getting to know her all over again... feels so awesome. I do owe her loads. She is the best human ever! And now we have a secret in common ^^. I love you so much. I really do... I'm really happy that we fixed all that broken bridges to get back to where we started. Even if sometimes... Life is gonna bitch slap you... I'd be there for you. Bitch slapping life for you. I promise ^^
We'd figure things out all over again okay?
Fourthly... I just wanted to say this as a general topic. Lying. There isn't a point in lying... You should have told me the truth. It really hurts... you know? Loving you and watching you lie all the way. It was as if you had a self destruct button... And you wanted me to press it. ....And you made it seem so fine. What about the rest of the world, who loved you so much? Didn't you think that would hurt Really... Good or bad.. We love you. You'd always have a place to come home to.. I promise...them too? Didn't you think that... Lying was bad? It really burns deep into out soul, when you know someone you love lies... Really... But I still do love you.
kimi. @ [Saturday, August 14, 2010]
I love the way...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
OMFG! I AM IN A FAN GIRL MODE! I've never felt like a 13 year old girl who loves her Yuri manga and enjoy listening to Gackt while getting into the mood in a LONG LONG TIME! ><>
Have you ever had the feeling of squealing in the middle of a mall when you see that perfect shoes that fit that $600 Chanel dress? Or ever felt like you had a guitargasm when you played the guitar in a crowd? Or even felt that you want to flirt with that cute hottie in your Math class?
I have. And it happened to me. Today. Well... last week... It just occurred to me that... HE IS THAT GOOD LOOKING!
Yeah... Maybe for the past few months, I thought he was cute. When he looked at me, I thought it was sweet and stuff. But now... NO. When he does look at me, I blush into a crimson red shade and have to shut my eyes half hoping that he would disappears ><
Is that love?
You know... I love the way he looks at me. Teases me. Plays with me. Bullies me. Holds my hand. I feel safe ><
Is that love?
I've never felt that way before when I see a man or a boy. I feel like my insecure 13 year old self. Who would wear make up and make sure my dress looks perfect. And I would practice smiling on the mirror. And remember what not to do when he is around... I feel so perfect. And the best part of it all is when he told me that he loved me... I remember hugging my pillow and smiling so hard and I couldn't wipe it off my face. That's love. I bet.
I feel so tingly inside when I stare at his face. Even now when I talk to him... It feels so hard. Like I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose him as a friend or a person. I love him too much for that. But minus the title. I love him for who he is. Minus the mask, I see past all of that. I just can see him. Only him. And I don't give a damn what the world says about this love I feel.
It's just perfect for me. Like a newly brewed Milo waiting for me in a hot cup~
kimi. @ [Wednesday, August 04, 2010]
Brick by Brick
Monday, August 2, 2010
I'm trying so hard nowadays to smile. Not for myself. Not for everyone. But for him. I know there are shit going through in his life. I really do know... I'm not going to write some sappy love story right now... I'm just so angry. so so angry at myself. For never being there for him, the one I love most. Never being able to do anything for him...
Sometimes I ask God everyday.. Why am I so far away from him. Why must I be away from him? Why must love hurt so much? Why... Honestly someone give me a freaking clue! WHY?!
I know I haven't been there for him... Never held him when he was about to cry. Kiss him and tell him everything will be okay. Or even gave him words to make him live through the day... I suck so badly now... It's my fault...
Every single night, I do wake up with panic attacks. Thinking about killing myself, ending it all. Just for that moment... But then I re-read those texts... And it keeps me going... Living everyday... Knowing that someday. At the end of that hard, rocky road... He is going to be there. Waiting for me... With that big eyes, and that lip mole. But most of all... I'd get to hold him and I wouldn't and can't even find a reason to let go... And no one can tell me that life is bad... When just being with him... Makes life feel so so good...
Right now I'm just getting things of my chest... I know it's hard for you. It's hard for me too. Watching every couple pass me by. I wish that was us. I really do... But this pain right now that I'm feeling... It's worth the wait... It's worth the pain... I am going to trust those words... And believe that God is testing me, to see if my love is strong enough... To wait for you...
I know I may not be the best person you ever wanted... But I'm going to try... With or without the distance... I love you...
kimi. @ [Monday, August 02, 2010]
Sleep with me...??
Saturday, July 31, 2010
I just had to listen to this song over and over again last night, to put me to sleep... Well I kept on listening to Suka-Retto (Scarlet) by Junko Iwao~ I love that song. I remember listening to it when i was 12~ Uhuhuuhu~ Such a sad song...~
Well.... Another song that ALMOST made me cry in my sleep is Last Song by Gackt. Somehow it always gets to me... In a very weird way... Oh well... This isn't my blog post for today, but a blog post... about my sleep O_O(Tho' he did sleep with me last night, I FELT HIM! RAWR!)
Here are the lyrics~~
Japanses lyrics~
Atemonaku hitori samayoi arukitsuzuketa
Kasuka na toiki o tada shiroku somete Utsuri kawari yuku kisetsu no sono hakanasa ni Wake mo naku namida ga koboreta "Ima mo aishite iru..."
Furitsuzuku kanashimi wa masshiro na yuki ni kawaru Zutto sora o miageteta Kono karada ga kieru mae ni ima negai ga todoku no nara Mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete
Wakari aenakute nandomo kizutsuketeita Sonna toki demo itsumo yasashikute Fui ni watasareta yubiwa ni kizamareteita Futari no yakusoku wa kanawanai mama ni "Ima mo oboeteiru..."
Toozakaru omoide wa itsumademo mabushi sugite Motto soba ni itakatta Mou nido to aenai kedo itsumo soba de sasaete kureta Anata dake wa kawaranai de ite Saigo ni miseta namida ga kisenakute
Kono shiroi yukitachi to issho ni kiete shimattemo Anata no kokoro no naka ni zutto saite itai kara
Yorisotte dakiatta nukumori wa wasurenaide ne Chigau dareka o aishitemo Saigo ni kiita anata no koe o kono mama zutto hanasanai mama Fukaku nemuri ni ochitai
Furitsuzuku kanashimi wa masshiro na yuki ni kawaru Zutto sora o miageteta Kono karada ga kieru mae ni ima negai ga todoku no nara Mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete "Mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete.."
Translation~
Walking around aimlessly by myself Breathing a faint sigh, my breath turns white Seasons change, and in this fleeting season.. My tears fall for no reason "Even now, I still love you
Falling sadness transforms into pure white snow
I'm always looking at the sky above me Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now Once more, I want to hold you
How many times have we not understood and hurt eachother But even at those times, we were still gentle Engraved on the ring that you suddenly gave back to me ..Was our promise that will never come true "Even now, I remember..
These far off thoughts are just brilliant flashes in my memory I wanted to be next to you Even though I can't see you anymore, I'll always be next to you I never want you to change
I can't erase those last tears that you showed me [from my memory]
In your heart, if I disappear along with all these snowflakes I want to bloom [in your heart once again]
Don't forget the warmth of us being close together, and hugging Don't forget even if you love someone else I'll never let go [of the memory] of when I heard your voice last and so ..I just want to fall into a deep sleep
Continuously falling sadness transforms into pure white snow I'm always looking at the sky above me Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now I want to hold you once more "I want to hold you once more"
I really felt that way last night... about you...I miss you...
kimi. @ [Saturday, July 31, 2010]
My dearly beloved...
Today is the first time, in my entire life, I feel so alone. I feel like there are a million eyes watching me, following my every movement. And a million sounds of heartbeats that fill the soundless night.
I hear echoes of never ending laughter, and silent screams that only he could ever make. The only ones that I could ever hear. I somehow feel like you are hiding things from me. Despite that smile, I can see a tear behind it. Why is it only I can see it? Why am I the only whom you hide it from? I feel your pain... I know you feel cold... and unwanted at times... I feel that way... Most of the time... But not so... right now...
I have money. Clothes. Expensive things, that you would want. But what's the point of it? When my life is filled with solitude. I feel so lost right now... Like I'm in a void of darkness and you're the only light that is shinning. But no matter how hard and fast I try to run towards that light... It somehow... Feels like it getting farther and farther...
Am I your only reason you breathe or cry? I love you... I really do. And nothing in this world can change that. Having you by my side is the only reason why I can smile everyday and be happy no matter what. Sometimes... Coming back home makes me cry... I'm always alone... And not unneeded. But when I come online, and see you there... I feel somewhat at home... And every pain I have just slips away...
I know Stephen is pissed at me for cutting. And I am truly truly sorry about it. I promise I won't do it again. I don't want you to be mad at me again... AND OMFG ENOUGH WITH THIS EMO SHIT!!
I just wanted to blog about how I felt. And... I feel thankful for having everyone in my life. My friends, family, my awesome gendou family and friends, my fellow cosplayers whose taken time to talk to me and lastly God. Well.. thank you... ^^
I'm going to smile for everyone and for myself from now on... No more tears.. I promise you yat ^^ You have your hand wrapped around my heart.... Please don't hurt it... I'll wait for you no matter what...my "dearly beloved"
kimi. @ [Saturday, July 31, 2010]
It's the risk that I'm taking...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Something happened last yesterday. It was that moment when you couldn't breathe. Couldn't think kind of moment. But I managed to survive last night... I did. I can't help myself from crying when I am writing this down.
I hurt someone. You know who you are. I hurt you to the extend of making you cry and cut yourself. I'm a girl too, I KNOW how you feel. Being rejected. Being in pain. Hoping the one you love, loves you back. I felt all of that.
I just came to realise something, maybe I could be wrong. Maybe I am right... I wouldn't know. But I swore I wouldn't regret it. Right about now I need Eveyy by my side to explain to me what is going on. I'm getting butterflies in my stomach. And I've never felt that before when I think about him ><..... someone explain that to me please.
It's either I'm feeling that way because I love him so much. Or... I love him enough to let him go with her. To move on... I don't understand. My heart and mind has made a choice. But... I'm not sure anymore...
I do love him in ways you will never feel. I can bet my life on it right now, that you don't even love him the way I do. Feeling the way he makes me feel. He's awesome like that. Being able to do things other people can't.
I know for a fact that you are closer, better and somewhat what he needs at this moment. Yes, last night I was sooo ready to give him up. And help you get him. I felt so guilty for doing bad things to you. By staying with him. Knowing your heart was hurting each day. I really do wanna help you.... But at this moment... Right now...
I ran the pro's and con's of you and I. And thinking about only about him in mind. You won. You have everything he needs. Honestly. I'm not lying... You could've been a much better gf than me. Hands down... But right now... I'm going to do what my heart says. I'm not gonna listen to anyone. Not even him...
I've had a talk with my heart and ... I've made a decision... And not even you can change it.
Thank you, for taking care of him, up till now. But from now on, he is mine. And I am going to take care of him in ways you wish you could. Sorry. I hope you don't hate me...
So yat, tell me now... Did I make the right choice...?
credits go to :TJ (Theresa Jane), Eveyy , Joyce Chee, Trisha Ee and Elle for helping me sort my feelings...
kimi. @ [Tuesday, July 27, 2010]
Where did I go wrong...?
It's been three days and my heart is racing so fast... And I can't seem to think right now...
All I need to know is.... where are you...?
All I need to know is... did you love me?
All I need to know is that... do you ever want a future with me....??
Was I a game... to you? Was I a lost item... and you felt pitiful for me... I don't want that... I don't ever want that... Why... me...
And You said... that this will be your final decision... Now... Look and see... from My eyes... Look and see...
kimi. @ [Tuesday, July 27, 2010]
All you ever wanted....
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Have you ever wanted a world without pain. Without misery. Without any tears. Well It doesn't exist. It's only in books. Fairy tales. In movies. Make beliefs. That's all it was...
You bury me alive. You really have. When I was a little girl, my mom used to tell me to be wise and never do fall in love with anyone who isn't good enough. I'd always like to believe that there would be someone out there for me. Who would wake me up from a really bad dream and pull me out of my sea of sadness. And we'd stay in a palace. You know, those Cinderella dreams. XD
Listening to emo music isn't as much fun as people think it is. This whole week... Gosh... What can I say about it?... So many things has happened in a day. Two days.
My heart is aching. And I can't tell anyone about it. I have no idea where to go from here... My mom doesn't want me. She left us this morning. He never wanted me from the start. I have No God to turn to.
WHAT IS LOVE?
I don't know where to go from here anymore... I don't have a song to sing. I don't have anymore tears to cry. I don't have the voice to scream for 'Help'. I don't have anything...
What's the point in having money? And big houses? And expensive clothes? When the one thing I ever wanted was something I can't have...
I don't want to be alone....I don't mind if it is a stranger. Just someone... Anyone... Just stay with me... You don't have to love me... But... Just stay till the rain ends okay....
you should know that by now
kimi. @ [Sunday, July 25, 2010]
The seventh day....
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I was reading the bible earlier. And it said God build the earth in 7 days, then asked Noah to build an arc because God wanted to flood the earth for 40 days and nights. That's how the earth was re-made. Well enough about the bible. Today's whole point of posting is that... I need to let of some of my sadness....
As some of my friends know, I went for my ultrasound and stuff. I got the results, but no point in posting here.
AND NO. I am not pregnant!
Why I related to re-building of earth was because I want a re-building of Kimi. I want to change. I want to be different. I know that I have some flaws. And sometimes it has hurt others. It has hurt myself. I just realized that I have been suffering from Major Depression and I was living in denial. Why did I do that?
All I need was attention I guess. Jealousy, was my number one sin. I get jealous all the time. Trust me. And my depression was caused by a big scar in my life, Thank God I have Him, My baby, evey, Joyce, Jerica, Trisha and all of my other friends to cure me. I have such a happy life, and I have came to realize everyone complains about what they don't have. And they make a big deal out of it. But what they don't realize is how to be happy for what you have and learning to live with it.
I have live without love from my family for 17 years. I learnt to live without it. And I never did complain about it. Instead I learnt to be happy about never having love. Giving love is always better than asking for it. The more you share, the more you give, the more please I'd be. And I learnt to find love from that. And I am happy now. At this very moment. I am happy.
And I will never let any bad thought take this away from me. I am going to be happy everyday. Even if it does rain on me. I'd have everyone else to make the rain stop and keep the sun shining.
Thank you.
You know who you are~
i want to find a new me when I look in the mirror. the same Kimi. But a happier heart.
kimi. @ [Thursday, July 22, 2010]
Let the rain fall...
Friday, June 25, 2010
Okies~ Blog time~ This week has been very hollow. Lots of crap has been going on. From parents, to boyfriend, to friends... it never stops right? Someone told me before " if something doesn't make you happy, why stick with it?". Well... I guess that's the point of today'sblog.
Not everything in life WILL make you happy. You have your ups and downs. Everyone has their flaws, their good side. But you've got to look at the good side. I've been doing things that never do make me happy. Putting on fake smiles just for the sake of the world. I think lots of people have been doing that. No one really knows how much other people are suffering.
But when we think about it... every small thing that people do for us, even a small gesture could mean alot. Today, my friend's mom passed away, because of cancer. She used to fight with her mom, getting angry, saying her Boyfriend was the only one who understood her. But it wasn't him, it was her mother that was with her when she was crying. Where was her so called friends? Where was her so called boyfriend? It was her mother, who is now gone (May God Bless Your Soul).
We always take other people for granted. We never do make them happy till they are gone. You don't have to force yourself to do things that will make other people happy, or make you feel like you belong. What's the point of doing that, when it'll make you feel bad...
I've lost the mood to write this somehow... when i keep on typing this... I feel somewhat of a reality check. I'm not gonna go around preaching. I'm just gonna be happy being me. Doing what I like. If you can't take it then... too bad. Best not be around me then ^^
i'm like a torn rose, if only youknow thedamage that you've done to me
Looking back... I do wonder if I was supposed to learn how to deal with all of this shit that has been going on. That God somehow has bigger plans for me. Telling me that I am going to get better.... I wish for that everyday
I'm crying while writing this post, honestly I don't feel bad for crying, for being weak. Mom says that it's not good for girls to cry. WHY IS IT WRONG?! Crying helps me forget the pain somehow... it's like washing away everything that is wrong.
I honestly wear his clothes, when no one is at home. Hoping that maybe he'd love me more each day. I wonder if I left a memory in anyone's heart
Writing a blog each day makes me feel like I do have a "secret place" where no one can harm me. That's stupid isn't it.
Everyone here, are ignoring me. Hoping that I wasn't their sister. Telling me off. Telling everyone that I don't belong in this family.... Maybe I don't.... I have everything that I have ever wanted. Money. A house. Parents. Brothers. Family. But what I always wanted was love from a family. I only wanted that....
I always wanted someone to hold my hand in the dark. Someone who would find me, no matter where I was. I'm so tired... Of waking up everyday hoping for that kind of love. Maybe it doesn't exist for me. I love you. I really do. I'm just so sad that... You never knew that.
I talk in my sleep, because I know it's the only one place where no one can hear me. I am praying that all these wounds will heal one day. That I would grow up and having someone to love me the same way as I loved them. I ran away from home countless times... And every time I do runaway. I find something new. Something that could change me.... I get jealous. When I see little girls and their fathers eating ice-cream.... Small girls playing with their brothers... A mother and daughter in a saloon getting their nails or hair done. I don't want to feel that way anymore... I can't cry anymore... I'm running out of tears...
I'm not here to rant about how I feel. I just need a place. To let my demons roam free... I can't keep it all inside me...
you promised to hold my hands... Why did you let them go?
~An empty piece of paper is waiting to be filled. Like my heart is waiting for it to be whole. I'm not ashamed of who I have became. I am not ashamed of what I have done. I've never felt so alone and lost before. The past few 7 months was the greatest ever. I had everything to look forward to.~
Now, I keep repeating the same old song. Over and over and over again. And those words "Did you ever love me" sings to me in a haunting way. I honestly do love you. Even if you stabbed a blade so deep into my heart and left a small piece of metal in it. And the saddest part is that... It can't be removed.
5 years I had to deal with this. 5 years is enough to shake even the most strongest person. I am a tower. A tower you built. You carried. You played with. You loved. Now... all that's left of this tower... are rubbles... Cement can't fix me now! XD Omg... I have time to pull off a lame joke.
Someone told me to let everything go. Just let it leave you like the wind. But I've never felt the wind blowing me across my face... for such a long time. I am waiting for the wind... I want to wash away my sins. I want to be my old self. So whole. So loved. So wanted.
Now being with them, seeing them smile. Hurts the most, because I can't smile with them... I can't find my reason to smile. I can't bring myself to let go of anything. Because I am scared. I am scared if I ever did let go of it. Will I be exactly like you? Will I do the same things as you?
I am so scared of being alone. And being left into two. One right, one left. One broken, One empty.
But 7 months... can fix everything... somehow. I don't feel a part of me dying... Not anymore.... :)
I am so happy to have all of my friends that I can talk to. Pet-family who have stuck with me. Consoled me. I just have this sentence to look forward to .....
"my desire to love you forever, to marry you, to make a family with you, to grow old with you, its still strong here."
I'm not in the mood to blog about how my past week was. So I am gonna write a poem about it. Not that good. But it's my random words. ^^ Love it or hate it. Up to you okies :) But it has a meaning behind it
2 of us walked this lonely path,
Not many loved us, but we laughed,
We walked and didn't care about the shame we caused,
But we were certain it was because we belonged.
Not in the arms of a stranger,
But in the arms of a saviour,
For he gave us the light,
That shines so bright.
Not only in my heart,
But in the places with a deep cut,
In a dark and cold body,
That we realized was bound to leave just a memory.
No one would miss our faces,
It wouldn't bring us sadness,
Just fondness,
Of the people who believed in us.
2 of us walked this lonely path,
To understand the true meaning that lies in out hearts,
That we aren't alone,
We just couldn't be found. :)
I got my inspiration from this song.. It's touched me in a sense. That no one can understand us. Until we can look deep inside our souls... to figure ourselves out ^^
kimi. @ [Saturday, June 19, 2010]
I need a best friend...
Monday, June 14, 2010
I never really noticed it... But somewhere deep down in my heart. All I ever wanted was to go back in time... to when I was 15... and we just met :)
Sure it was awkward. She loved almost the same things as me. I remember being so crazy about Koizora... And she drew me this really cute picture of Hiro and Mika on a yellow post-it note... And I kept it, in a shoe box ( where i keep most of her things).
I'm not a lesbian or anything. I am not a stalker. But sometimes all I ever wanted was a best friend. Not just some idiot who talks to me for the sake of talking. Or someone who shares something with me... because they HAVE to like me... But someone like her. She was always honest... Every time she opened her mouth to justify something... She always told me the truth..
After 2 happy years, of being moe, crazy and hyper. I had a dream. A dream that we would fight... Me and her just laughed about it. And... It really did happen. For a very stupid reason.
I know what I did was wrong. I know I stopped her from growing up. I know she has her whole life ahead of her. I know that she needs other people. But... what I feared most out of everything was... getting left behind. That she wouldn't need me anymore... since she has him and everyone else...
I thought that I could get better friends around March... I was stupid. I met a few new friends... thinking how cool they were. And I completely... forgot about her... We stopped the texts. And all of a sudden I was the last to know... new things about her. It hurts a lot...
We've never had a fight like that before... We still do talk. But sometimes things just get out of hand and... we just are left in silence. And it scares me... because... You can never find the truth out with silence being your friend. We text each other now... but it just isn't the same... I always say "I love you" at the end of every text... but all i get is an "xoxo :)". I'm not hoping. I'm not wishing.... Just believing that everything will be alright. I know that she has her other friends...
She always reminds me that she owes me money for our cosplay stuff... But I honestly don't care. Because she saved me from an emo me... When I was 15. Dealing with my parents, my family, my stupid ex-bf. And now when I have lost her... I really knew the true value of her.
I know she will never feel that way about me. That's for sure...But I just wanted youto know a story about that girl.
Remember this song? We... made it our theme song.
kimi. @ [Monday, June 14, 2010]
At the end of the rainbow....
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
In every life, we have memories that are good and bad. Old texts that make you smile and some just a waste of time to read. If anyone on earth never have these sort of things, I'm sorry to say... you are just not human.
I was re-reading my old journals, flipping through old and torn pages. That wrote all of my journeys. The things I wrote, said and felt made me remember things. It's like I went back to my old self. I wasn't known as Kimi back then. No one knew me. I was satisfied being by myself, all alone. I found peace that way. I'm not the Dalai Lama, but you get the point.
When I see some of my old pictures, I wonder if I have changed. Become something commercial, so that I'll be accepted. There are so many people these days, they give a damn about what the world thinks of them. They can't see the beauty in them. They are blinded by everything.
When we were kids, out parents would teach us everything from good and bad. But when they never taught us was how to get back up when life knocks you down.... That lesson has to be learnt by YOURSELF. You need to learn some things yourself. But sometimes you can;t find a place where you can be truly happy. A place of self-belonging. We all carry the weight of the world, and it is falling down. How much longer will I last?I am caving in. It's okay to cry. It's okay.. to be me.
The only hope I have left is knowing that someone is waiting for me silently at the end of the rainbow. Hoping that I will find him <3
Sometimes... when someone tells me. " Don't fall in love"... I wonder why. Is it because I'll get hurt. I'll bleed. I'll cry for no reason, knowing that he will never do the same.
Pain is a never ending cycle, that goes and goes, spreading like a plague. Killing anyone and anything. But somehow... when I met the Boy Across The Fence. Life seemed to be more real than anything that I've imagined.
I'm not mean to live alone nor turn this HOUSE into a HOME. Sometimes sins can never be erased, like the blood that flows in your veins. I may be from this family. But I will NEVER be a part of it. I don't belong here. I belong in a world of illusions. Where there are mirrors at every corner, waiting to show me my ugly relflection.
My current mood... I feel lost and drowned in the middle of a sea of lies and hope that shun me. We had a fight again. I pray to God He hears me. I have everything that any girl would want, but what i need most is a home to go to. Not a battle field. Not where we scream and shout and hope that things will be good.
When I was a small girl, I wished to be a princess of a far away land, marrying the prince, and living happily forever after. But sadly life isn't like that. It's a closed box. A room filled with gloom. That's why, I am breaking that box. And I am going to find the Boy Across The Fence.
you should know that by now
i want to find a new me when I look in the mirror. the same Kimi. But a happier heart. 
i'm like a torn rose, if only you know the damage that you've done to me
you promised to hold my hands... Why did you let them go?
